Real Men Open Up About The Pressures Of 'Being A Man' And What It Means

Being a man is not as easy and privileged as it seems after all. This International Men’s day, real men open up about the kinds of pressures they face and deal with on the daily.
The outbreak of Covid-19 across the globe changed the way we live and look at the world -- physically as well as emotionally. As we continue to usher ourselves into this mould of the new ‘normal’, the repercussions of a post-Covid reality continue to create ripples in our lives. Looking from the lens of how it affected the men in India, the social construct of gender was twisted and took a new shape.To ignite the much-needed conversation of ‘post covid evolution of masculinity’ on International Men's Day 2022, we decided to look at the various aspects of what changed and how it changed for the men in the country, and above all, how it redefined ‘masculinity’ for them .When we think of ‘men’, the first thing that probably comes to mind (my mind, at least) is privilege. Privilege of being the preferred sex out of the two in this world where being born with a penis instead of breasts decides how many opportunies, how much respect and what all rights you are given in the society. And while that may be the case, there is also another side to this story, which often gets sidelined when the plight of women takes center stage. You see, as women have their own struggles in this world to achieve equal rights and opportunities, men too face the pressure for upholding the standards that the society may have set for them.  © iStockAt the time when women were being boxed into a category which pinned titles like ‘timid’, ‘soft’, ‘suitable for being a homemaker’ onto their foreheads, men were too boxed into a type that was supposed to be - ‘strong’, ‘muscular’, ‘sole breadwinner of the family’ and ‘successful’. Because as per society, if you weren’t all of that and more, you weren’t a man. Period. © iStockAnd just like that, such stereotyping gave birth to toxic masculinity and the kinds of pressures that men face even today in their lives. After all, how does one overturn decades worth of social conditioning that taught them to not cry or to start worrying about feeding their entire family when they are merely teenagers? Or most importantly, do they even know they have to? © iStockOn this International Men’s Day, instead of glorifying the feats achieved by men after having succumbed to false standards set by society, it’s time we address the kind of pressures they feel on the daily and how they’ve come to explore their masculinity while at it.“For me, it was the pressure of being able to settle down by the age 26 or 27 that kept gnawing at me”Abir Sinha, author of the best-selling book Rivers In The Desert and a young entrepreneur seems to have a hold on things in his life right now, but he, like every other young man in this country, has too had his own share of struggles that in his words ‘never cease to exist’. © iStock“My father passed away when I was only 15 years old and unfortunately that happening in this society swiftly translated into suddenly me becoming the ‘man of the house’. Life for me up until then had been one without any sense of responsibility or future planning, however as soon as tragedy struck, I realised what being a ‘man’ actually asks of you. From dealing with the pressure of taking care of my mom to having a clock ticking at my head to settle down by the age of 26 or 27, I felt constantly burdened.” “Perhaps, that is why pursuing a job for me was never a viable option, because when you’re expected to take care of a household and not just yourself, you can’t see yourself working with a modest salary for 7-8 years before you start earning handsomely. So one can say that I became an entrepreneur not out of choice, but because I lacked one. And not to forget, the constant pressure that social media builds on your head of leading a ‘picture perfect’ life that just makes it worse. And because this pressure of being and delivering like a man, isn’t going anywhere, I have chosen to make the most of it.”“I am 59 years old and on the verge of retirement, and yet, I see myself succumbing to some or the other pressure with every passing day”Varun (name has been changed due to privacy concerns) is the Capital Expenditure Procurement lead at a leading MNC at the age of 59 and yet, even an accomplished man like himself, faces the brunt of being a man in this world every single day. © iStock“For me, ever since I finished my schooling, life has been a constant struggle to get to the next step in life, as defined by society. First it was to fund my own education, find a decent job and take care of my own expenses. Then it was the pressure to get married because that’s what all of your friends were also doing and was expected of you too. Then comes the stress of having a child, earning for your entire family and making a decent living.”“In my experience, as and when we grow, so do our responsibilities and the expectations society has from us. When you’re a kid, you’re expected to earn good marks, finish top of your class. As you grow older, you’re supposed to earn enough for your family, be a good husband, a good father, and so on and so forth. It never ends.”“For most men like me out there, quitting your job is not really an option. Not because we needed the money to sustain, but because ‘quitting’ for men has never really been counted as an option. Being tough and not giving up is the only way of life I have ever known. It’s how we’ve been conditioned.” “When you’re born a man, you’re given no option but to hustle all your life and deliver success. Because otherwise, you’ve failed as a man and looked down upon”Vipul Kalia, 33 years old and recently married, is of the opinion that men are rarely ever presented with the option of failing. Not without, being made to feel miserable about it at the least. © iStock“The entire ‘be a man’ philosophy has taken away the choice of failing with grace from men. From the get go, we’re taught to be a certain way, feel emotions in a certain capacity, express ourselves carefully, look a certain way, get married at a ‘right age’ and what not. It seems as though, most of our life has been on auto-pilot and the moment you try to take it in your own hands, society comes crashing down on you with their disappointment. If I say no to marriage, I am a bad son. But the moment I say I am ready to get married to whomever you like, I am as ideal as one can be. These standards are toxic, they’re unrealistic, but at the end of the day - they’re there. And that is why, so is the pressure to live up to them.”“Yes, women have their own struggles, but to think that men have it easy is a myth. Because, no matter how much we do, we are always expected to do more. It is as though you spend your life trying to prove your worth and under a microscopic eye. We’re fighting our baser instincts every single day just to conform to the definition of being a ‘good man’ set by society. It’s exhausting.”

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